So I sent a message back, asking her to clarify: are you single or attached? My normal mode of operation, at this point, is to attach a “key” to my “showcase,” so the girl can see my photos along with my message, but in this case I didn’t bother. I was firmly of the mindset that she was chasing me, and her profile was confusing enough that I wasn’t sure I wanted to chase back, yet, so I figured that a lack of interest caused by a lack of photos wouldn’t be a bad thing.
In a sense, the entire previous paragraph is foreshadowing.
She wrote back, saying “Attached, like everybody else in here.” Which is not true, at all, but that wasn’t a conversation I felt like having with her. Instead, I wrote back and asked how her luck had been on the site, and not-so-subtly suggested that I could probably provide whatever she’d been missing so far. ‘Cause I’m smooth, y’all.
She replied, and said that most of the men on A-M are looking for a one-nighter, which she could “easily replace with a husband or a vibrator.” (Frankly, I liked that. She was piquing my interest.) She said that she was looking for “the anticipation, connection [and] chemistry that comes with and before sex.” My interest level was now going up even further, she was playing right into my wheelhouse. I can’t even recall how many messages I’ve sent on that [damned] site including the words “anticipation,” “connection,” and “chemistry.” And then, to underscore the point, she sent another wink: “Please check out my profile to see if you might be interested in connecting with me. If you are interested, Message Me!” (Actually, it was probably an accident on her part.)
I wrote back a longer message, this time, and got a bit more into it. There was mention of lips brushing along a jawline, and skin against skin, and post-coital caresses leading to further anticipation. I wouldn’t call it masterful, not even by my standards, but it was more than I’d been giving her so far. Still no photos, though. (Foreshadowing!!!) And apparently it worked, because she responded:
Your writing skills are perfect for what I need to hear. Finally a man on AM that can actually articulate some words. No offense but it is brutal on AM at least on my side. I would love to talk more with you but this evening I am busy with some family duties.I will come back on AM later today or tomorrow, if you will still be available and not taken :-)The next day I wrote her another message, and included my email address. Most of the day went by with no word, but later in the afternoon she got back to me. The timing was slightly off, because I was just getting ready to leave the office, but moving out of A-M and into Gmail would make it easier for both of us. Just before I left the office she asked if she could see my photos. I’d already shut down my laptop by this point, so I couldn’t email her one, but from my phone I logged back into A-M and granted her access to my showcase photos.
At this point I left the office, knowing that one of two things would now happen:
- She wouldn’t like what she’d seen, and things would end at this point, or
- She’d be fine with what she’d seen, and we’d spend the rest of the night (or as much time as she had available) flirting over email.
Option #1 was the likelier of the two options. I’m either unattractive, unphotogenic, or both, because this is the usual reaction when photos enter the picture – or maybe women on the site are just looking for George Clooney3, and won’t settle for anything less. But there was still a chance that she’d be interested. That is, after all, why I’m on that [damned] site in the first place.
What I hadn’t anticipated, however, was Option #3:
Honestly I looked at the pics you sent and I keep looking still. And I am laughing not knowing what to say. I don't want to jinx it but I have a weird feeling I have met you before. And no not on this site, either thru work or friends.This threw me for a loop. This is always a danger, on the site: someone might see you and recognize you. But it had never happened to me yet. I revoked access to my photos because it felt too dangerous, and then emailed her to say so. But I also said that this didn’t have to be a deal-breaker, if we could remember where we know each other from.
So I am still debating with myself LOL
And then I went and got a haircut.
Unfortunately, the barber shop was completely empty when I got there. That’s normally a good thing, but in this particular case it meant that he was taking his leisurely time about it while I sat there fretting, wishing I could pull out my phone and see if there was a response from her. I had the longest haircut of my life – the whole time I was expecting him to pull out a ruler and start measuring hair-by-hair – while thinking of nothing but the phone in my pocket.
I wasn’t eager to check my phone because I was hoping to continue, I was eager to check it because there were so many possibilities as to how this could go sideways. She might suddenly remember where she knows me from, and realize that she knows my wife better than she knows me, and that her loyalty to my wife is stronger than her embarrassment at being on a site like A-M, so she feels duty-bound to tell her.
Or she could remember where she knows me from, recall how badly she’d wanted to jump my bones when she met me, and decide that now’s her chance. That’s an option too, right4?
When I finally left the barber shop, after my 8 hour haircut5, I immediately pulled out my phone, and saw that she was leaning toward not continuing things with me. At this point, a strange thing started to happen: I started to try to talk her back into it.
I know, I know! The problem, however, is that I’m human – sure, slightly better than the average human, but human nonetheless – and as soon as I knew I couldn’t have her, you guessed it, I wanted her again. I don’t even know what this woman looks like, I might not have been attracted to her at all if I’d seen her, but still, I was going to make an attempt to talk her back into it.
It was a half-hearted attempt, however, and after another message or two she confirmed that, no, she wasn’t going to pursue things. I couldn’t blame her for that, and told her so, and made some jokes. And then she responded and told me I’m funny, and asked where I’m from. (Wait… what?!? We’ve ended things, and now she’s starting with the “getting to know you” questions?!?)
Because I can’t help myself, I wrote back and answered her question, and said that yes, I AM funny, and a good kisser too – and said that “I can make whatever claims I want, now.”
There were a couple more emails, but that was basically it. I never did find out where I had met this girl. Her messages indicated that it was probably in a situation where we were both with friends, and that I might not even remember her (though she seemed to remember me). Who knows what will happen, though? I might still email her, just to see how she’s doing, and if she had any luck after talking to me.
Footnotes
- 1 A “wink” is a pre-canned message you can send someone in A-M. It doesn’t cost any credits, so you can send one even if you don’t have a paid account. For men, it’s almost never a good idea to send a wink – women get so many messages that a wink would simply get lost in the ocean – but women sometimes send them to indicate their interest, without having to buy credits. ↺
- 2 Any wink I get in A-M is just from “some girl,” in my mind, until I confirm whether she’s a real person or not. I get too many winks from fake accounts to initially assume any wink is from a real person. ↺
- 3 Is Clooney still the go-to reference to use as a stand-in for “handsome man”? ↺
- 4 RIGHT??? ↺
- 5 It was only 20 minutes, if that. Maybe not even 15. ↺
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